The Mirror
by igivemyselfthecreeps
Summary: It's Christmas Day at Hogwarts, and Snape is miserable, as always. He takes a wander to the library and the Mirror of Erised: "I show not your face, but your heart's desire"


The night was pitch black, especially down in the dungeons. Snape lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling, which he could barely make out with the single candle that dimly lit the room.

It was Christmas day. He'd woken up in the morning, with his only gift a small package with a note from Dumbledore. The package contained some ghastly muggle sweets, and the note suggested he remember to be cheery.

 _Cheery._

It was absurd.

 _I suppose Dumbledore means well…despite everything._

The feast during the day had been unbearable – Snape left as soon as he'd eaten his share of food. His mind had been fuzzy all day, and Minerva had been trying to make polite conversation, which Snape simply ignored, or answered in monosyllables. He went straight back to his office and sat around brooding the rest of the day.

As he lay in the dark, he thought back to the Christmas's he'd experienced in his youth.

Christmas at home had always been a quiet affair. His father was usually hungover and fast asleep somewhere, and his mother cooked a small meal to share between the two of them. It was never particularly unpleasant unless his father woke up.

Snape's first Christmas at Hogwarts was an improvement. All of Snape's so-called friends returned home over the holidays. Even Lily had gone. The only good thing was that Potter and his friends had gone home too; presumably they had loving families to return to. Snape meanwhile poured over books in the library, and stayed up 'till the early hours of the morning trying to create spells.

His second Christmas at Hogwarts was quite different. Potter and his friends weren't there, but Lily was. She'd wanted to study over the holidays, and Snape gladly helped her. They studied in the library for hours on end, and took breaks down by the lake.

 _I was a giddy school boy, thirsting for her approval,_ he thought.

It was the best Christmas he'd ever had.

The next year, Potter and his friends stayed, while Lily went home. Whenever Snape left his common room, Potter and Black were after him. They sometimes tried their hardest to curse him. Other times they merely bewitched snowballs to chase him everywhere he went.

The teachers merely looked the other way, while Snape was constantly attacked. He got back at them when he could, but two against one was hardly fair. Even the library wasn't much of an escape – Potter and Black rarely ventured in of their own accord, but Lupin, the werewolf, was often there. Whilst he wasn't technically a bully himself, the mere sight of him set me Snape edge – a constant reminder that Potter made his life a misery.

The candle beside Snape was growing dim, but it seemed to require too much energy to light another fire.

Instead, he found himself getting up and leaving the room. He clambered up hundreds of stairs until he found himself near the library. He walked slowly between shelves, relishing the memories of Lily they brought back. But it wasn't enough.

Stopping at a table, he hung his head. Somehow being there had brought the memories back, and he felt an ache in his chest.

He knew where he wanted to go. Even though Dumbledore had told him not to.

 _This is stupid…I can't…_

Snape glanced around, feeling as if someone might be watching. However, Dumbledore was not there.

He left the library.

He made my way down a narrow corridor, and opened a door to his left quietly, slipping inside. It looked like a disused classroom, with desks and chairs piled up against the walls. On the opposite wall was a magnificent mirror.

 _Erised stra ehru oy tube cafru oyt on wohsi_

Snape had been in the room a hundred times over the years, and knew the inscription by heart: "I show not your face, but your heart's desire".

He walked solemnly towards it, and stood in front. The image that greeted him had changed slightly.

Beside Snape, stood Lily. Her hair and beautiful green eyes were unchanged from the last time he saw her, some 11 years before. At the time she was barely 20, but in the mirror, she looked older, closer to the age she would be had she lived.

 _Had I not…_

He shuddered.

She looked bright and happy, her eyes sparkling. One arm was around Snape, and he reached to his side in agony, hoping against all hope her arm was really there. It was not.

In her other arm was a child, no more than 3 years old, whilst an older child, maybe 7 or 8, stood beside her.

Snape's breathing was ragged, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He quickly looked around, to make sure Dumbledore wasn't there.

When he looked back, the mirror-version of Lily had put down the child, and instead looked at Snape, who stared longingly into her bright green eyes, drinking in their beauty and radiance.

The children in the mirror were smiling too. The younger, a girl, had dark red hair and dark, piercing eyes. She stood holding the hand of the older child, a boy, who had a slight build, but did not look underfed like Snape had been. His dark hair was long, slightly greasy, and untidy, and his nose was slightly hooked, and too large for his face. His pallid complexion contrasted with his bright green eyes.

Snape looked away, feeling sick. These children had only appeared in the mirror in the last year, reminding him only of Harry Potter. Potter looked vastly different from the children in front of him, except for the eyes. _Her_ eyes.

Snape had never thought he wanted children – all he ever wanted was Lily. The mirror apparently thought differently.

To Snape, Potter was a living reminder that Lily hadn't loved him. Had _never_ loved him. Harry Potter was his father's son through and through, with only Lily's eyes to show that he belonged to his mother.

The boy had none of Lily's good qualities. Where Lily was kind, caring, intelligent, Harry Potter was…was…

 _HIS_ son.

He sank to the floor, holding in sobs. The children had vanished now, and in the reflection, Snape could see Lily with her arms around him, stroking his back in an attempt to comfort him. He inched towards the mirror, reaching out to try and touch her face…but met the cold, hard mirror instead.

Snape finally let the sobs through. Mirror-Lily vanished and Snape's whole body seemed to ache. Shudders rocked through his body as he tried to breathe, unsuccessfully. The sobs made him feel like he was choking, on his own despair.

Time passed. Eventually, his breathing returned to normal. The tears had stopped, drying on his face. He did his best to rub his eyes as he finally stood up. He retreated back, eyes on the mirror.

Lily was there again, looking at him sadly.

He turned, storming out of the classroom, leaving the door ajar, and back down the corridor.

"Professor! Professor! Students out of bed! Students out of bed!"

Snape quickly rubbed his eyes again, hoping the tears were gone. He resumed his usual cool expression, glaring at Filch who was hopping towards him.

"You asked me to come directly to you, Professor, if anyone was wondering around at night, and somebody's been in the library – Restricted Section", Filch spat

Snape felt a wave of nausea – he'd been in the library just minutes ago. Was it possible there was a student around? A student who might even have followed him, or seen him near the mirror?

Filch looked at him quizzically.

"The Restricted Section? Well…they can't be far. We'll catch them" Snape muttered.

The two of them set off. Snape wanted to take another peek into the room with the mirror, but thought the better of it – no doubt Filch would tell Dumbledore. They searched the whole library, and the surrounding corridors, but found nothing.

Eventually, Filch found his cat and the two slunk off to another part of the castle.

Snape leant against a wall, resting his head and breathing slowly.

The mirror was dangerous. He knew that. He always had.

There was a reason why Dumbledore discouraged him from seeking it out.

After a few minutes, he went back inside the classroom. Snape walked towards it again, determined that this would be the last time he'd look at it.

Lily was there, with their children, smiling at him. They were holding hands, and Snape looked into Lily's eyes.

"I could never tell you then", he whispered, holding his gaze with Lily. "And I know…I know I…failed", his voice broke.

"But as much as he repulses me…and as much as it kills me to see him…I'll…try. To protect him…for you."

Lily looked sad now, and was wiping away tears. The children were gone again, and the two of them stared at each other for what seemed like an age.

"Goodbye", Snape croaked.

Lily waved, smiling sadly.


End file.
